Your Relationship Will Always Trump Your Training

Particularly when a dog is going home from an Immersion Board and Train, we can see immediately upon their interaction with the owner if we are going to have to help repair the relationship the dog feels it has with the family. The first month to six months is the most crucial time for the work to transfer home, and it won’t make the full transfer if the relationship is not right.  Obviously obedience commands that are asked and followed through with help profoundly with restructuring those feelings. But, obedience alone isn’t going to reset the full relationship.

First, we need to acknowledge that our dogs are inherently different than humans in their perspective of daily life. While we know that our dog belongs to us, that we house, feed and care for them; your dog does not understand the concept of a house and home. Your dog may have some thoughts about you putting food in a dish for them, but since it is ‘room service’ and they are expected to give little or no effort to obtain the food (where their ancestors would have hunted), there are gaps in the logic of where that food comes from for your dog. As ultra social animals, our dogs expect us to be a pack member – with the same hierarchy and structures that are natural to them. In other words, in our day to day activities we either lead or follow our dogs as we navigate the world; exploring, defending territory, looking for other dogs to engage in social activities, and resourcing food. When we are building a relationship with our dogs it is crucial to keep this in mind.

Your dog offers you one of the most important tools you could have at your disposal – their inherent drive for a pack life. If there are not other dogs in the household, a dog will stick to their humans for that need. In multiple dog homes, if an owner is unaware of this need or doesn’t focus on their relationship with their dog, the dogs may very well form their own little pack and have little interest interacting with the humans.

If your dog feels your relationship is lackluster or toxic, how can we expect them to engage with you – especially outside with so many other interesting things and potential dates available? So, let’s talk about how we can begin repairing or strengthening your relationship with your dog.

Trainer’s live a certain way with their dogs and the dogs that are with them for training. One of the biggest secrets (that is not really secret at all) is that we leverage aspects of life with the dogs to cultivate the relationship we are looking for based on their inherent needs and desires. We leverage affection, food and even movement. Naturally this does not mean we make their lives difficult or somber by constantly withholding affection, resources, and scolding unwanted behaviors. Actually, quite the opposite.

Take a bit of a detour with me…. I had a boss who was constantly nitpicky. She was quick to correct, quick to find faults, and raised her voice frequently. I constantly felt stressed, defensive, on edge and insecure. It was rare to have her compliment anyone’s work and her whole staff just did what they could to avoid her. The environment was unpredictable and morale was low.

Now think, how could this translate to your dog? Are you the boss that criticizes every time someone is a moment late or do you ever thank them for being on time? Do you reward intent and effort or demand perfection? Have you coached and guided until they can perform independently or reprimanded when they were wrong out of the gate? What is your relationship?

As humans we often put our energy into fixing things we want to change and tend to neglect to acknowledge when things are going right. Apply this logic to time spent with your dog and you can see how they can quickly become insecure and edgy when the only behaviors we address are the ones we don’t like.

If in a relationship with a spouse or partner we only say “NO! I don’t like that! Stop! Quit!” and don’t follow up with a recommendation of what we DO like, or acknowledge behaviors we like; our relationship will quickly grow confusing, insecure and crumble. Same for you and your dog.

To start really changing the dynamic of your relationship with your dog – to really have the payoff you are looking for and to optimize the success of your training – you must start putting your energy into celebrating the good. This can take a period of adjustment for both you and your dog. You both have habits and patterns. A solid relationship, particularly if you are rebuilding from a toxic relationship, takes time.

Start thinking through your dogs eyes as much as you can and leveraging things like resources, play, affection and movement. Respect the nature of your dog and in turn he will respect you.

In nature, wolves and wild dogs (even though your domesticated pooch is fairly far removed from these ancestors) walk about 13 miles every day as a group for hunting, playing and exploring. While this is not necessarily realistic to do daily with your dog, some owners don’t even take their dog out of the back yard! The walk is a huge part of your dog’s perception of pack structure and relationship.

During the walk your dog should be engaging with you, not just looking for places to relieve themselves,

on the search for new friends (dates), or hunting solo at the end of the leash. Use your time on the walk to interact with your dog – take new exciting routes and leverage fun obstacles on your way – Climb a big rock with your dog (place), have your dog jump over a bike rack, incorporate simple obedience and tricks with your dog, and take play breaks that are highly motivating like tug or a quick game of fetch (this will also satisfy your dogs prey drive!).

If your dog is not willing or wanting to engage with you outside; it’s ok. Slow it down and keep it simple. The goal is to have a willing partner who is comfortable and confident doing these activities regardless of the environment. If your dog is anxious or overwhelmed outside and is too distracted or uptight to play – start playing more at home where they are comfortable and build up the level of distractions to outside. Don’t force food, affection or play in stressful moments for your dog or you could lead them to associate these fun moments with stress. Sometimes we have to be patient to cultivate the relationship we want and ensure our partner is confident with us along the way.

Another time to leverage your dogs natural needs with your routine is meal time. Intrinsically dogs’ social structure is in predatory packs and hunting requires participation and precision from almost all, if not all, members. Feeding time in predatory pack animals (see also wolves and lions) can be hugely stressful, especially since only up to 10% of hunting attempts are successful. This obviously means that rules and structure around feeding are crucial to keeping a harmonious state in the group during this ritual. If your dog “free feeds”, they are in total control and the magic refilling bowl is powerful. Scheduled feeding allows for you to implement structure and also monitor your dog’s eating habits and intake. A game of tug or fetch or some simple obedience incorporated prior to the ritual uses your dogs natural hardwiring for feeding structure to show proper boundaries and behavior and incorporates “working” (hunting) for their feast.

A final thought for a healthy relationship with your dog is in affection. When we withhold or lavish unearned affection we create imbalance. It is easy to anthropomorphize dogs and project our human emotions onto them, expecting them to either know better or to dote on them like a baby. Dogs are not human and we must respect that. Loving rubs and “Good Boys” are cheap rewards but can go a long way either inflating your dogs’ ego or confusing them. Needy dogs don’t just really really love you – they need you. Constantly pushing to touch, cuddle and be held is foreign to a stable dog. If we supply that haphazardly we create a neurotic needy relationship. Imagine a spouse or partner that constantly checks in with you, needs to know your whereabouts at all times, touches you in public to claim you as property, gets jealous easily, gets defensive when things don’t go their way or they can’t access you when they want – it super unhealthy. Feeding into this with being over affectionate or affectionate at the wrong times perpetuates the cycle. Affection arbitrarily withheld can alternately create a divide where your dog doesn’t understand what you want or what makes you happy. If your dog can’t make you happy, even with things that typically would, why should they keep trying? What is the point? Affection is part of social animals lives, but like in ours, is earned and appropriate when both parties understand the parameters of the relationship and it is given fairly.

When you accomplish things together with your dog and demand certain simple behaviors, your dog starts to know you better as a companion. They know what you like, what you don’t like, and can rely on your leadership and in the structure you’ve shown. It’s not enough to just “train the dog”, but to train your dog to feel a certain way about you and in your home. That is the real magic, and also the biggest reason when obedience alone “doesn’t work.”

Yes, we understand this can seem like a lot of work and no, nobody adopts a dog to live with strict structure and effort forever. However, if things have gone awry in your relationship, or the obedience alone isn’t making it click – these leverages and structures are your path to a better, happier, and honestly more free relationship forever.

When you focus on creating a relationship based on the way you feel together, you can trust you have a healthy and long lasting one!